Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Women have been trained to speak softly and carry lipstick. Those days are over.

Dear Diary, 

I worry my co-workers will be writing a bond with my name all over it. 

Yours truly, 

Crabby Pants

I'll be straight up. This whole post is probably going to be about me whining and complaining about things that have no importance. I understand people have it way worse than me, but it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to. Don't say I didn't warn you. 

Any woman who has functioning womanly parts will understand where I'm coming from. Anytime that we are having a bad day or something sets us off, we get the inevitable question, "Is it that time of month?" 

No. It's not. Thank you for that. It's even worse when it's a guy asking you. First off, they don't even know what it feels like to have these hormones, so who are they trying to preach to? The man species uses our unfortunate time of month to act like complete jerks, say things they would NEVER get away with, sit around and do absolutely nothing with themselves and do things that they KNOW will annoy the crap out of you. Then they try to defend themselves with "Someone must be getting their you-know-what." Kyle has even gotten clever and says in a calm voice, "Babe, your hormones are making you act like a b****. I know you don't feel good, but your hormones are being rude." He thinks that if he shifts the blame to the "hormones" then maybe I'll give in and say, "Oh you're right. I'm so sorry for getting mad when you told me you could put me in a cardboard box and I would still not know where I'm at. Are you hungry? Let me cook you a gourmet dinner, sugar plumpkin cuppy-up-cake."

Over my dead body, pal.

 And by temple, they mean my household.

 The Winner of the Week at the office was a man who came in to pay on a bond with a balance of $400. I don't know how to explain it, so I'll just narrate it. 

Man: "I'm paying $50 today."
Me: "Okay," writes out receipt "Have a good day."
Man: "Well wait a minute, it says here that my balance is $350."
Me: "Correct. You started at $400, paid $50, now you still owe $350."
Man: "Nooo.. I paid FIFTY DOLLARS, I only owe you $300."
Me: "If you paid me one hundred, then you would owe $300." 
Man: "That's wrong."
Me: Grabs calculator. Yes, it went that far. "$400 - $50 = $350." 
Man: "This ain't right. Whatever. I'm not arguing with you. I'll pay the extra $50 if you need it that bad." Walks out.

I'm not a mathematician, if I were tested I would probably be at a 3rd grade level. But calculators don't lie, enough said.

For my last rant, I'd like to give a big shout out to all you idiots on the road who don't understand basic traffic signals! This one especially goes out to the blonde-haired woman in the silver van. What uuuup! Yesterday, despite my very cranky baby, I was in a great mood because I was driving Jagger to the vet for a little snip-snip procedure. This means no more backing his rear end into my face or trying to hump my child. As, I'm cruising along, said silver van is at a dead stop in the right-hand turning lane. It's a busy intersection, but we had a green arrow to turn right. I gave her a few seconds in case it had just turned green, but still no movement. I could see that she's looking at the road, but just not going. I resorted to the horn. I hate honking my horn unless I'm raging because it sounds so rude. So I gave her a little beep as politely as my SUV would allow. She literally rolled down the window and flipped me the bird. WE HAD THE GREEN ARROW!! REALLY?? She totally jacked my swagger. So, when she finally decided to quit holding up traffic (and turned on the red light, not green) I pulled up next to her and gave her the cheesiest grin ever and flipped her the peace sign. 

Have a great day :)